march 29 2013

You seem so happy on the outside, but inside your heart is rotting.

They think you're stable. They think you're happy.

They don't know how alone you feel. They don't know that you need someone to lean on. They don't know that they're not there enough.

God, you want to die so bad.

They don't know that you need constant hugs, that you need someone to tell you "it's okay" every now and then. They don't know how much a little gesture of affection makes you smile, and they don't know how much you want them to care; how much you want them to know you care.

Maybe they tell you you're not alone. Maybe they tell you that they're always going to be there for you, that they care and they never want you to be hurt.

But it only lasts for a while. Everything ends, and eventually they'll stop paying attention.

They'll go back to how they lived before, and take you for granted. They'll stop remembering to say sweet things, to do things that warm your heart, even if it's something as little as offering to share a drink with you.

They'll assume you'll always be there, that you've become part of their life.

Perhaps you have.

And maybe you can't get out of it. Maybe you love them too much to leave. So you make sure they know you care, and you make sure the affection stays alive.

Or at least, your side of it.

And tears don't help. The worst bit is that no one knows you cry. No one realises, and everyone thinks everything's okay.

Nothing's okay.

Maybe you tell people. And those people care. But they can't do anything.

And they don't hurt like you do.

--

Today was... weird. I felt different, like I didn't know how to act around him anymore. Like I'd taken a step back and returned to that stage where I didn't know him well enough to act normal.
I didn't know how to respond to his comments, and nor did I know what tone to use.
I was just so shaken. I'm still so frightened, and I know it wasn't meant to scare me, but it just...

It did.

It scared me so much.