i can't cope

Okay, maybe I shouldn't have asked him where he went. I think he knew I was going to react this way.

But good god, that's exactly why I don't want him to go. He's one of the only people to have ever understood me this much and I can't afford to lose that. He's so special and perfect and attractive and sweet and adorable and funny and honestly, I can't cope.

I don't want him to leave because I know that I'm a dumb little shit. There will be new kids next year, and among those new kids will be someone, some guy that I find appealing.
See, I can't not live without support. Hugs, words that make me feel adequate; pretty. Word that make me feel like I'm enough. That I'm worth it.
I will fall.

Even if I do manage to control myself, what if there are girls at his new school that can't? What if they catch his eye? What if he starts to like one of them? What if I do?

What if I don't, and what if all I want to do, every single day, is just to go home, lie in bed and die?
What if he doesn't come online all the time? What if we stop talking? What if everything because awkward and weird and bad and what if it doesn't work?

i'd love to say that all my worrying is ironic
but
honestly
i
can't
cope

It needs to be temporary. Because if he's going to be gone for good, I will cry until there's nothing left of me.

i'm so tired of myself.

Maybe it's my low self-esteem or just plain shittiness, but I can never get this 'be happy with myself and be happy with the people I surround myself with' right. And I'm sitting here, staring at my options.

I could just opt out.

Or I could come to my senses and say 'it's okay' and move on.

I don't fucking know.

i hate people

So this might just become a whiny blog for me. Which is completely fine for me, honestly, since I've pretty much come to the conclusion that talking to myself is the best way to calm down.

Because you don't really know who your real friends are, do you? Real friends who don't talk behind your back. I think I do. I don't know. Maybe I don't. Maybe I'm wrong.
I hope I'm not.

Maybe I should stop telling the truth.
Maybe I should stop trusting people?
Maybe I should stop.

It hurts. It actually hurts when I get mad at people I care about and I know nothing else other than to lash out in pure concentrated anger. It hurts when one of the few people I can feel unconditionally happy around criticises me for something I don't wish to be.
It hurts. Everything hurts, and everyone hurts.

I love the kid.
I love his entire existence so much it pains me.

But calling me overly attached twice, claiming that I'm forcing him to stay on Skype which is apparently the opposite of what he wishes to do, telling me to give him space when that is the exact thing I've been trying to do even though what I really want to do is get to know each other better -

God, it hurts.

I thought it was okay. But now there's this aching and twisting feeling at my heart and I can feel it. It's not an emotion, it's physical pain.

And I want to say sorry so badly but I can't.
I've just tried to do so much. I've tried to make it effortless, as easy as breathing, but nothing ever works out. He doesn't pay attention. Do you know how much something like that fucking hurts? When you're trying to make a statement, a point, and you're just ignored.

When you're trying to let someone in, and they voluntarily shut your door and lock it tight.

Can I have someone sing to me? Tell me it's okay? Pull me close and hug me tight until I can't breathe? Because that's all I want right now. I just need someone who cares - someone who shows that they are. Don't tell me you care, show me you care.

warm bodies: what's good and what's not

"ha ha likewhore"

Instead of doing this on Facebook, I will do this on here.

116: My nick name is: fish
115: I was born in: taipei
114: Last book you read: beautiful creatures
113: My bed is: my lover
112: My pet: my neopets ok
111: My best friend: internet
110: My favorite shampoo is: anything that smells nice
109: The last three cd's I bought were?: i forgot ok
108: Last YouTube video watched: domics: timid
107: How many cousins do you have?: tons
106: Do you have any siblings?: yes
105: Do you play an instrument?: yes
104: What did you do yesterday?: cnblue concert omg

[ Last time I ]
103: Hugged someone: last sunday
102: Last time you ate: last night at burger king
101: Saw someone I haven't seen in awhile: wednesday
100: Cried in front of someone: i don't cry in front of people
99: Went to a movie theater: last friday for warm bodies
98: Took a vacation: 8 - 12 april
97: Swam in a pool: long long ago
96: Changed a diaper: never
95: Got my nails done: summer festival
94: Went to a wedding: once upon a time
93: Broke a bone: a few years ago
92: Got a piercing: when i was nine years old
91: Broke the law: idk
90: Texted: just now

[ MISC ]
89: Who makes you laugh the most: no one ALL THE PEOPLE I KNOW ARE BORING MOTHERFUCKERS
88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: food
87: The last movie I saw: rise of the guardians
86: The thing that I'm looking forward to the most: dying
85: The thing I'm not looking forward to: school and summer and everything in between
84: People call me: stacy
83: The most difficult thing to do is: share food
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never
81: My zodiac sign is: sagittarius and tiger
80: The first person I talked to today was: my mother!!!!
79: First time you had a crush: kindergarten
78: The one person who I can't hide things from: ideeku
77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: adITI
76: Right now I am talking to: liam and rogan
75: What are you going to do when you grow up: i just want to be in a band
74: I have/will get a job: by the time i'm 16
73: Tomorrow: school = hellhole
72: Today: music school = idk
71: Next Summer: sister = satan 
70: Next Weekend: u tell me
69: I have these pets: none
68: The worst sound in the world: your voice
67: The person that makes me cry the most is: me
66: People that make you happy: uM,,,,
65: Last time I cried: yesterday
64: My friends are: stupid 
63: My computer is: god
62: My School: hellhole
61: My Car: don't have one
60: I lose all respect for people who: talk to me
59: The last movie I cried at was: mental
58: Your hair color is: dark red and brown
57: TV shows you watch: awkward, supernatural, castle, the walking dead and rogan made me watch arrow!!!!
56: Favorite website: procatinator
55: Your dream vacation: uk or something
54: The worst pain I was ever in was: physically when i broke my wrist and mentally every day ( y )
53: How do you like your steak cooked: rare or medium rare
52: My room is: messy and cosy
51: My favorite celebrity is: mary elizabeth winstead
50: Where would you like to be: with friends
49: Do you want children: adopted ya
48: Ever been in love: u tell me
47: Who's your best friend: laptop
46: More guy friends or girl friends: guys
45: One thing that makes you feel great is: when i look in the mirror and i'm happy with what i see (but that rarely ever happens)
44: One person that you wish you could see right now: xavier (sigh)
43: Do you have a 5 year plan: no
42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: no
41: Have you pre-named your children: no
40: Last person I got mad at: dumb
39: I would like to move to: the uk or florida
38: I wish I was a professional: at fixing tables

[ My Favorites ]
37: Candy: sour patch kids
36: Vehicle: idk
35: President: no
34: State visited: cali
33: Cellphone provider: samsung
32: Athlete: dumb
31: Actor: joseph gordon-levitt or robert downey jr or michael cera
30: Actress: mary elizabeth winstead
29: Singer: matty mullins
28: Band: don't get me started
27: Clothing store: uni qlo
26: Grocery store: idk
25: TV show: all the tv shows i watch???
24: Movie: shutter island
23: Website: my websites!!!!!!
22: Animal: tigers, orcas, sloths, foxes, wolves, raccoons and et cetera 
21: Theme park: a few
20: Holiday: korea
19: Sport to watch: rugby
18: Sport to play: touch rugby
17: Magazine: alternative press or kerrang or rocksound
16: Book: daughter of smoke and bone
15: Day of the week: saturday
14: Beach: don't have a favourite
13: Concert attended: all time low or pierce the veil
12: Thing to cook: pasta
11: Food: lasagna
10: Restaurant: hotpot or japanese restaurants ok
9: Radio station: go away
8: Yankee candle scent: we don't light candles!!!
7: Perfume: no
6: Flower: anything pretty
5: Color: green, burgundy, black
4: Talk show host: um
3: Comedian: me
2: Dog breed: sigh
1: Am I ready for this survey to be over?: ya cos i'm 2og4u

i'm kind of tired

Not physically tired, but I guess I'm just... tired.

I want attention and I want to feel like I mean something. One of my biggest fears? Being alone.
Honestly, all I want is effort from everyone so that I know that I'm not just a little speck of dust. Though we all know I am.

Who isn't?

I'm avoiding the subject, really. So here goes:

My boyfriend is the cutest thing ever. I love spending time with him because there's no possibility of me not being amused around him. So when I feel bad, I kind of expect him to notice. And maybe he does, but it just drives me insane when he doesn't do anything about it.

But while he's off having a real life, I'm sitting in front of my laptop watching tv shows and crying over my favourite bands.
And sometimes, all he does is play video games. It's not that I don't want him to - but aren't you supposed to talk to your other half often? He's rarely ever online and to be extremely honest, I know his friends better than I know him.

It's gotten to the point where we're capable of physical affection but when it comes to connecting and talking about things without feeling like there's a barrier - it's just not there yet. And I don't like it that way.
In most of my past relationships, we've always talked tons. I was always best friends with the other half and we knew almost everything about each other.

What's this, now?
He and I talked a lot about our feelings a while ago. Before all this. Then the whole couple thing became real and suddenly, it was like my existence was being taken for granted and it was like I was supposed to just know him better in an instant.

I might be rambling. I don't know. I need to put my thoughts down.

I love his personality, his laugh, his terrible sense of humour, his hair, his eyes, his smile, his hugs, his warmth - he's not flawed.

And yet I look at the other relationships in school and they are just everything I wish for. A mutual obsession for each other, a mutual obsession for wanting to talk to each other. Relationships where the guy makes the first moves, makes the girl feel special, makes the girl feel protected.

I have no right to say that that's not us, even though I'm not sure, but it just doesn't feel like... a two-way thing.

And I want it to be a two-way thing so much it hurts me. I don't even know why I cry over this, but...

Okay, there is no but.
I just have feelings, and those feelings need to be tended to.

Sorry if this was kind of stupid. No, not kind of stupid. Really stupid.
I apologize.

(On a lighter note, I will be posting day four of my trip to Nagoya soon - just a bit lazy right now)

second and third day of nagoya: gifu and aquarium

Okay, I procrastinated even this. I'M SORRY IT'S NOT MY FAULT IT'S JUST PART OF ME
Maybe it is my fault.

Anyway, second day. My mum and I took the JR Tokaido Line down to Gifu, which took 20 - 30 minutes. At the station we poked around for a bit before hopping onto W65. The bus systems here are interesting - you take a bus ticket when you get on, and with that you can check how much you're paying by looking for your number on a screen. After that first bus ride, my mum and I got the hang of the public transport around Nagoya. It's not a hard system to grasp.

We went to visit my aunt; her Japanese language school and her dorm. We took a bus down to Gifu city and had lunch, later walking down the streets of Gifu city endlessly before admitting that we were lost and asking for directions.

At night, my mum and I had dinner near the JR Nagoya station. We had tempura, flat udon-like ramen, and chicken wings. All Nagoya specialties.

On the third day, my mum and I headed down to the Nagoya Port. First things first: I had created a 'survival guide' for us before the trip started, consisting of landmarks to visit and how to get there. I thought Nagoya Port was going to be boring, but I had added it in for my mum's sake, knowing her interest in travelling to different places and seeing different things.

I WAS WRONG
SO
VERY
WRONG
(about the boring bit)

We entered the aquarium first, and let me tell you one thing.
I love orcas.

 I love aquariums, zoos, safaris - anything that allows me to observe animals and silently admire them becAUSE THEY ARE JUST SO GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL
i'm going to cry
It was so unreal. The tickets included the Port Building (which was a museum on Nagoya as a port, and its trade) and the Fuji Icebreaker that travelled to Antarctica. The ship was kind of creepy - it had a bunch of wax figures and my mum and I were the only ones there. Frightening.

judge me i'm cute

YEAH LOGGERHEAD

hipster me up [anchor]

i see you emperor penguin
i see you

Afterwards, we went to the Red Lobster (which was right next to everything) and had the best dinner ever. Fullstop?????

yeah ok this was probably boring for you i'll go now bye

[aggressively puts on infinite layers of clothes]

day one of nagoya: pretty cool

By pretty cool, I mean really goddamn cold. I love cold weather, but the constant breezes made it all quite unbearable considering I only had two layers of clothes on.

Leaving Singapore at 10pm was okay - I guess - but taking off at 1:05am was too much, even for me. I haven't slept in 24 hours, if you exclude the bit where I fell asleep in the park in the most awkward position ever.

don't judge me i was cold and the sun was warm and i juST

you're judging me so hard

The flight was pretty okay, but I had spent the entire day walking around with two of my friends and my legs were sore. Really sore. Out of sheer kindness, my mother moved to the back of the plane where there were plenty of empty seats so I could stretch. (Thank you, mum!) I watched Looper until the very end and attempted to watch ParaNorman.

It was a six hour flight and me, the greatest all-nighter you will ever come to know of (not really but let's pretend I am) fell asleep in the middle of ParaNorman.

You're judging me.
Again.

My mother and I took the Meitetsu Line all the way down to Meitetsu Nagoya, the main station near to our hotel. On the way we watched empty roads, cherry blossom trees, and worn out roof tiles fly past the train windows. It was all really nice.

We got to our hotel, but nO THAT WAS NOT THE END OF OUR ADVENTURE AS CLUELESS TOURISTS
We took the subway down to the downtown district, Sakae, and took a walk through Central Park and Oasis 21.

By that time I was starving and my mother refuses to put up with me when I'm hungry, so we went to the first thing we saw.

McDonalds.

you're judging me again i know it

YEAH OK FIRST MEAL IN NAGOYA

MCDONALDS

HA HA 

I'll make up for it by saying that my mother and I went on a ferris wheel built smack dab in the middle of Sakae.

Yes.

A ferris wheel.

Best bit is, it was my mother's idea.

2kewl4u

And now I am here. My mother is napping and I am shamelessly taking selfies because I have nothing else better to do. I apologise for my very existence, internet.

BUT TOO BAD COS YOU'RE PROBABLY GOING TO HEAR MORE FROM ME HAhA

lol 2bad

Here, have another pretty Sakura photo from today.

yup

i want to die
ha ha

He is the most ignorant little bitch ever. I love him so much, but sometimes I just feel like quitting.
GOD hIS FACE
and then his shitty gamelust
We're organising something to do tomorrow with two other friends, so hopefully that works out.

Edit: Okay, maybe it's not too bad. We'll see after tomorrow. But for now:

Edit 8/4/13 - he was so cute i might just 

melt

gOD I JUST

I WAS ONLY LURKING HUMOUR BLOGS I DID NOT WANT TO END UP HERE

You know when you get in too deep and you're looking through every blog's link list and suddenly [boyfriend/girlfriend] and you're just like

i cant
i cant
i cant
i caNT

but you have to because NO ONE CAN RESIST CUTE COUPLES?!?!?!?!

I JUST

I might just cry.

It's every girl's secret desire to have someone there, and when we actually get that special person we start wanting something else: attention.
It's not like it's guaranteed that every girl is needy or overly attached, but if the guy tries hard enough and makes the effort to tell her she's pretty, tell jokes, stay up talking, hang out, then being together would be just as easy as breathing.

GOD THEY'RE ADORABLE

Even if girls claim that love is stupid (( ok those are the girls who want ur lovin most )) yOU CAN'T BE GULLIBLE AND SAY OK
BECAUSE IT'S NOT
Even if she claims that flowers and jewelry and dresses are stupid.
Deep inside, she's still a girl.
(( Spoiler alert: she wants them. ))

I don't get how guys find it so hard.

Maybe it's just me, you know? But I've looked everywhere and I don't think I've seen anything different. Girls just want someone to care for them. And I really don't know if it's the same for guys (though I'm sure it's mutual?!?!!) bUT SERIOUSLY IF YOU WANT IT TO WORK CAN YOU JUST MAKE A MOVE

I get that you're shy and I get that it takes time to warm up to someone but you can't completely shut someone out. You can't just expect them to stay there, and wait for you.
You can't expect them to be patient.

If anyone's idea of crawling out of their 'shy bubble' is shutting someone out, then you're probably stupid and you need to go back in your mother's womb to redevelop.
Honestly, talk.
Talk about everything. Your favourite tv shows, movies, bands, artists, authors, books, food (do you like cheese) -- I'm serious when I say everything.

It makes me die inside whenever I see a couple who have been dating for two months and know practically everything about each other; in comparison to another couple who have been dating for five and know close to nothing.

Spoiler alert? The second couple isn't going to get anywhere.

march 29 2013

You seem so happy on the outside, but inside your heart is rotting.

They think you're stable. They think you're happy.

They don't know how alone you feel. They don't know that you need someone to lean on. They don't know that they're not there enough.

God, you want to die so bad.

They don't know that you need constant hugs, that you need someone to tell you "it's okay" every now and then. They don't know how much a little gesture of affection makes you smile, and they don't know how much you want them to care; how much you want them to know you care.

Maybe they tell you you're not alone. Maybe they tell you that they're always going to be there for you, that they care and they never want you to be hurt.

But it only lasts for a while. Everything ends, and eventually they'll stop paying attention.

They'll go back to how they lived before, and take you for granted. They'll stop remembering to say sweet things, to do things that warm your heart, even if it's something as little as offering to share a drink with you.

They'll assume you'll always be there, that you've become part of their life.

Perhaps you have.

And maybe you can't get out of it. Maybe you love them too much to leave. So you make sure they know you care, and you make sure the affection stays alive.

Or at least, your side of it.

And tears don't help. The worst bit is that no one knows you cry. No one realises, and everyone thinks everything's okay.

Nothing's okay.

Maybe you tell people. And those people care. But they can't do anything.

And they don't hurt like you do.

--

Today was... weird. I felt different, like I didn't know how to act around him anymore. Like I'd taken a step back and returned to that stage where I didn't know him well enough to act normal.
I didn't know how to respond to his comments, and nor did I know what tone to use.
I was just so shaken. I'm still so frightened, and I know it wasn't meant to scare me, but it just...

It did.

It scared me so much.