Not physically tired, but I guess I'm just... tired.
I want attention and I want to feel like I mean something. One of my biggest fears? Being alone.
Honestly, all I want is effort from everyone so that I know that I'm not just a little speck of dust. Though we all know I am.
Who isn't?
I'm avoiding the subject, really. So here goes:
My boyfriend is the cutest thing ever. I love spending time with him because there's no possibility of me not being amused around him. So when I feel bad, I kind of expect him to notice. And maybe he does, but it just drives me insane when he doesn't do anything about it.
But while he's off having a real life, I'm sitting in front of my laptop watching tv shows and crying over my favourite bands.
And sometimes, all he does is play video games. It's not that I don't want him to - but aren't you supposed to talk to your other half often? He's rarely ever online and to be extremely honest, I know his friends better than I know him.
It's gotten to the point where we're capable of physical affection but when it comes to connecting and talking about things without feeling like there's a barrier - it's just not there yet. And I don't like it that way.
In most of my past relationships, we've always talked tons. I was always best friends with the other half and we knew almost everything about each other.
What's this, now?
He and I talked a lot about our feelings a while ago. Before all this. Then the whole couple thing became real and suddenly, it was like my existence was being taken for granted and it was like I was supposed to just know him better in an instant.
I might be rambling. I don't know. I need to put my thoughts down.
I love his personality, his laugh, his terrible sense of humour, his hair, his eyes, his smile, his hugs, his warmth - he's not flawed.
And yet I look at the other relationships in school and they are just everything I wish for. A mutual obsession for each other, a mutual obsession for wanting to talk to each other. Relationships where the guy makes the first moves, makes the girl feel special, makes the girl feel protected.
I have no right to say that that's not us, even though I'm not sure, but it just doesn't feel like... a two-way thing.
And I want it to be a two-way thing so much it hurts me. I don't even know why I cry over this, but...
Okay, there is no but.
I just have feelings, and those feelings need to be tended to.
Sorry if this was kind of stupid. No, not kind of stupid. Really stupid.
I apologize.
(On a lighter note, I will be posting day four of my trip to Nagoya soon - just a bit lazy right now)
I want attention and I want to feel like I mean something. One of my biggest fears? Being alone.
Honestly, all I want is effort from everyone so that I know that I'm not just a little speck of dust. Though we all know I am.
Who isn't?
I'm avoiding the subject, really. So here goes:
My boyfriend is the cutest thing ever. I love spending time with him because there's no possibility of me not being amused around him. So when I feel bad, I kind of expect him to notice. And maybe he does, but it just drives me insane when he doesn't do anything about it.
But while he's off having a real life, I'm sitting in front of my laptop watching tv shows and crying over my favourite bands.
And sometimes, all he does is play video games. It's not that I don't want him to - but aren't you supposed to talk to your other half often? He's rarely ever online and to be extremely honest, I know his friends better than I know him.
It's gotten to the point where we're capable of physical affection but when it comes to connecting and talking about things without feeling like there's a barrier - it's just not there yet. And I don't like it that way.
In most of my past relationships, we've always talked tons. I was always best friends with the other half and we knew almost everything about each other.
What's this, now?
He and I talked a lot about our feelings a while ago. Before all this. Then the whole couple thing became real and suddenly, it was like my existence was being taken for granted and it was like I was supposed to just know him better in an instant.
I might be rambling. I don't know. I need to put my thoughts down.
I love his personality, his laugh, his terrible sense of humour, his hair, his eyes, his smile, his hugs, his warmth - he's not flawed.
And yet I look at the other relationships in school and they are just everything I wish for. A mutual obsession for each other, a mutual obsession for wanting to talk to each other. Relationships where the guy makes the first moves, makes the girl feel special, makes the girl feel protected.
I have no right to say that that's not us, even though I'm not sure, but it just doesn't feel like... a two-way thing.
And I want it to be a two-way thing so much it hurts me. I don't even know why I cry over this, but...
Okay, there is no but.
I just have feelings, and those feelings need to be tended to.
Sorry if this was kind of stupid. No, not kind of stupid. Really stupid.
I apologize.
(On a lighter note, I will be posting day four of my trip to Nagoya soon - just a bit lazy right now)
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