So this might just become a whiny blog for me. Which is completely fine for me, honestly, since I've pretty much come to the conclusion that talking to myself is the best way to calm down.
Because you don't really know who your real friends are, do you? Real friends who don't talk behind your back. I think I do. I don't know. Maybe I don't. Maybe I'm wrong.
I hope I'm not.
Maybe I should stop telling the truth.
Maybe I should stop trusting people?
Maybe I should stop.
It hurts. It actually hurts when I get mad at people I care about and I know nothing else other than to lash out in pure concentrated anger. It hurts when one of the few people I can feel unconditionally happy around criticises me for something I don't wish to be.
It hurts. Everything hurts, and everyone hurts.
I love the kid.
I love his entire existence so much it pains me.
But calling me overly attached twice, claiming that I'm forcing him to stay on Skype which is apparently the opposite of what he wishes to do, telling me to give him space when that is the exact thing I've been trying to do even though what I really want to do is get to know each other better -
God, it hurts.
I thought it was okay. But now there's this aching and twisting feeling at my heart and I can feel it. It's not an emotion, it's physical pain.
And I want to say sorry so badly but I can't.
I've just tried to do so much. I've tried to make it effortless, as easy as breathing, but nothing ever works out. He doesn't pay attention. Do you know how much something like that fucking hurts? When you're trying to make a statement, a point, and you're just ignored.
When you're trying to let someone in, and they voluntarily shut your door and lock it tight.
Can I have someone sing to me? Tell me it's okay? Pull me close and hug me tight until I can't breathe? Because that's all I want right now. I just need someone who cares - someone who shows that they are. Don't tell me you care, show me you care.
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